*originally published on Feb 26, 2021 via Squarespace
This past week I’ve been feeling a bit blah. Sure, I got my period, and that always plays a role, but I couldn’t put my finger on what else was at play. Then this morning I randomly put on jeans, did my hair, and brushed my teeth all in time for school drop-off, and not to be dramatic but I felt like a new person. Granted my jeans were ripped, my hair was just slicked back in a low bun with some hairspray, and under my sweatshirt is the tank top I slept in, but it felt like I was actually getting ready to go somewhere—something that never happens anymore. I’ve seen people on social media posting about how putting on makeup or wearing heels or putting on a fancy dress for an at-home date night makes them feel better, too. Now don’t get it twisted, I haven’t worn makeup or heels or anything remotely sexy in A WHOLE YEAR so I’m not advocating for women doing themselves up. What I’m saying is simply this: putting in 5 minutes of effort today woke me up a little inside.
After drop-off I came home and straightened up our apartment. In a fast and frenzied 15 minutes I made the bed, put away toys, loaded the dishwasher, corralled dirty laundry into the hamper, and reset the pillows on the couch. I instantly felt productive, which instantly improved my mood. Also, when my surrounding environment is in order, my brain is free to function. I immediately felt my synapses firing, which was its own form of positive reinforcement. Ok, now we’re getting somewhere.
Next I washed and trimmed all the herbs I bought yesterday at the grocery store. I have a whole system that keeps them fresh and perky, that involves kitchen shears, glass jars, and some water. This process, I realized, as I scooped discarded leaves and stems into the compost bin, is also good for my mood. My hands are busy, my eyes are taking in the beautiful greenery, my nose is excited about the smells suddenly released into the air. I line them all up on my kitchen island and can’t help but smile. This took me all of 15 minutes.
For a couple of weeks I’ve been in an open-ended conversation with my best friend (who is also a mom) about self-care and “putting yourself first”. We go back and forth about what it means, what it looks like, and how important it is relative to everything else we’re juggling as moms and humans during this time. We debate how the concept is portrayed on social media, and wonder if the barrage of content from influencers is helpful or harmful. Is the constant push for self care on our feeds a useful reminder that we could all benefit from? Or is it simply another thing to add to the already-long list of what it means to be a high-functioning adult in society? She pointed out that “rest and recharge is key” but “the list is getting longer and the hours in the day stay the same.” Ain’t that the truth. And for parents in particular, who are juggling jobs, kids, remote learning, and millions of invisible domestic duties, is all this self care talk, as she put it, actually “just another stress on moms”? I don’t see a lot of men on social media talking about self care.
I think the answer is yes and no, and something’s gotta give. You see, I don’t subscribe to the idea that self care has to mean massages and manicures, bubble baths and best sellers, or spending an hour meditating every day—although it can, if that’s what fills your cup. Instead we should be thinking of self care as the road that leads you to a good mood. Self care is what YOU decide YOU need in that moment to feel just a little better than you did a minute before. It’s whatever YOU choose to do that makes YOU wake up a little inside. And I believe it’s different for all of us, and I believe it changes day to day. Today it was jeans, hairspray, herbs, and a half-hearted cleaning spree that did the trick for me. Tomorrow it might mean taking an extra long shower. Yesterday it meant buying myself a bag of Cape Cod potato chips that I intend to eat in its entirety after my daughter goes to sleep one night this weekend. These things might not seem like self care to you, but they do to me—and that’s precisely the point.
There’s no denying that self care is a money-making industry (and content gold for social media influencers) which is what has spun it out of control, but I’d argue it’s only problematic if we haven’t already identified what it is that each of us needs to do to wake up our insides. What it is we need to do for ourselves to foster a good mood. Also, maybe it’s time to retire the term “self care” because of how loaded (and ubiquitous and annoying) it’s become. When I think about the days I’m in the best mood I realize those are the days I sought out little moments of joy. Watering my plants, driving with the sunroof open, remembering to turn on some music while I wash dishes, and drinking my morning smoothie out of a giant Mason jar instead of a regular glass. Those are just a couple of my weird little small joys. What are yours? What stupid weird thing could you do to jump start a good mood? Tomorrow give it a shot and report back. I’ll be waiting.
xx
Cris, your older sister
Things to do because I said so…
Get a new show
Binge watching a really great show is definitely on the list of small joys in my house. After finishing Imposters (Netflix) (which was fun, fast-paced, and full of twists and turns) my husband and I felt a little lost. Every night he would turn to me and say, “we need a new show.” For what felt like forever (aka like, two weeks) we watched reruns of sitcoms, night after night. Then my in-laws recommended Peaky Blinders (Netflix). I was skeptical but agreed to try it, and thank goodness I did because holy shit is it good. Like, really good. Like, I-think-about-it-during-the-day good. Every episode ends in a cliff hanger. It’s like if Sopranos and Sons of Anarchy had a baby, moved to Birmingham, then hopped into a time machine that brought them back to the 1920’s. Now every night (after we finish an episode) he turns to me and says, “another one?”. I never say no.
Become a morning person
It might sound crazy but one of my other small moments of joy comes in the form of this Melissa Wood Health smoothie I make (almost) every single morning. Yup, the one I mentioned that I drink in a comically large Mason jar. Right after coffee but before food, this smoothie, and the ritual of making it, really helps to kickstart my day. There are a lot of ingredients, so it might seem overwhelming at first, but trust me, after a week you’ve memorized the whole thing and it’s no big deal. The smoothie is the perfect mix of sweet (banana + date), tart (lemon juice), earthy (spirulina + raw spinach) and funky (ginger, which is not part of the recipe but I add anyway). So as I cut, peel, squeeze, and pour, I listen to music (right now it’s Taylor Swift’s Evermore, don’t @ me) and mentally prepare for the day. This ritual doesn’t fix all my problems, but it has helped me get centered and do something good for my body all before 8am. I guess it’s my version of morning meditation.
Devour some great writing
“The Crane Wife” by CJ Hauser, which was published in The Paris Review in July of 2019, is the kind of essay you’ll think about long after you’re done reading it. You’ll try to figure out who you can send it to, who in your life will appreciate it, who will love it as much as you did. You’ll look up the writer on the internet to see what else she’s written. You’ll stalk her on Instagram to try to get a peek into her everyday life. You’ll wonder if you’ll ever write anything that good in the years to come. And then 5 months later you’ll put it in your newsletter and force it on everyone you know. Oh wait, no…that’s just me.
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Are you dying to tell me how much you love my newsletter? Are you desperate to tell me how right I was about something I told you to read, watch, or do? Or do you need some older-sister advice about something that’s been plaguing you? Hit me with it in the comments.